I just bought my brother a $100.00 dollar gift card. I have a little money now and in view of how generous he has been to me since I got out of prison it is only right to answer my conscience and give him a decent gift. He will find it extravagant. I hope so. I hope he feels the love.
Getting older is easy. Stay alive and it happens. Wisdom can come with age if you pay attention, learn to think and make proper assessments. I am sixty two and I have gained a little wisdom. Off the top of my head I can say it is almost always wrong to be judgmental and to gossip. No matter how bad things appear, more than likely, they can get better. Most likely they will. Always trust in God. Obey him promptly when you are convinced you have heard him. By consistent obedience you train yourself to hear God’s voice. God’s voice is wonderful. I cannot go to God and trust he will speak to me on any given subject. He is not at my beck and call. In my practice of the divine conversation I wait until God chooses the subject and then he approaches me. Or, I say something like, Lord how I want to hear from you. Is there something you want to talk to me about? Something like that. Really. Now, God will talk to me at a subject of his choosing. Maybe not immediately, but within days or weeks. I am patient trusting in the slow work of God. He will speak and He and I will communicate. Other wisdom is it is good to work and be busy. Love is always better than getting in the last word or venting your anger. That’s wisdom, and I may even have more.
Lately, I have had intense trouble with my youngest child and her thug boyfriend. He berated once me in my home with prolific profanity. I asked her not to bring her to my home anymore. Like talking to a brick wall. No respect. I called the police information line and they told me I did not have a boyfriend problem, rather I have a daughter problem I have since spoken to my close friends of the boyfriend entertaining guests in my own home and waking me up at 2:30 a.m. and again at 5:00 a.m.; of her cussing me in front of him and her friends and calling me “Bitch” and that she would “mess me up.” Of the broken mail box, the broken window and the cigarette butts in the yard and in my sink.
My daughter treated her mother this way. Only difference is she was pleasant to her mother because her mother was sick for a long time and found it convenient to tolerate the things that irritated her. To me she is profane and angry. All of her kids have trouble with me now. Much of my daughters’ anger at me comes in the unfolding stages of grief. Their mother and my wife died May 9, 2012. She was sober the last two years of her life. My youngest children mainly knew of home being fatherless (as I was in prison) and a dysfunctional mother who could not quit drinking to excess daily for years, and going to Georgia to enjoy her late sister’s family and circle of friends; and party like a red neck (cheating, drinking, mudding, and motorcycles). This is the atmosphere my two youngest grew up in. In the wake of their mother’s death they have decided the wrong parent died and are extremely jealous she made me beneficiary of her life insurance. They have convinced themselves she was unable to figure out how to indicate the children as beneficiary and that she wanted me (they call me Gano now, and have quit with “Dad”) to have nothing. The death certificate states My wife died of cirrhosis of the liver. Due to liver problems, which could have resulted from years of alcohol abuse, Her disease sealed her fate. It seems to me the children watched their mother kill herself with drink and they intend to follow her footsteps.
My friends tell me I am in danger. My household represents a danger to my well being, especially in reference to my probation status. In my home is a felon waiting for trial in three weeks who supplies alcohol to my under age daughter. She is nineteen. And my daughter keeps him in my home and allows him to entertain friends, with large amounts of alcohol being consumed. This, my friends tell me, does not bode well for me. Thursday, while at work it occurred to me I should call my attorney. I made a list of complaints and read them to her. She encouraged me to come in. Friday at 1:00 p.m. we wrote up a domestic violence injunction against my youngest and her boyfriend. Monday they should be served. Forty-eight hours to go. I cried as we compiled the complaints for the injunction. How I hate to do this. But I feel it is wisdom from God. He didn’t tell me to do it. However, several friends gave me this difficult opinion and encouraged me to protect myself. I have done it and hope it does not cause irreparable damage to my relationship with my children. They will be so shocked and incensed.
It is difficult. I feel I am right in my decision. I could not have done it as a younger man. I am wiser and can make decisions without worrying about what people think of me.
Tomorrow when I give my brother his gift I hope he thinks my gift was a good decision. We are both getting older. Each of us has immense problems currently in our lives. He has begun to seek God and has gone with my mother to her church a bit.
Today as I received Holy Communion I was trembling with fear and awesome insight into Christ’s act of love which included me. My children don’t love me but I trust the God of all Wisdom, His son Jesus and the Holy Spirit do. In my advancing age I have the wisdom to know he deeply loves my children and all their boyfriends. Even as my youngest gets a wake up call in forty-eight hours, walk with her and train her in righteousness.
Lord Jesus, you are my only hope. Help me. Come quickly to my aid. Draw my children in to your net of love. Come after us, Lover of sinful souls. Wash us in your shed blood and feed us at your Eucharistic feasts.