I met with Fr. Tom Beasley today for what we call “grouping.” Ideally it is a meeting of 2 to 5 men who feel safe and comfortable enough to share problems, weaknesses, moral lapses or just the heavy stuff of life with one another. Many men have done this for years because they find it to be an anchor in the week, or a place and time to get something off their chests. It is part of the Cursillo or Kairos fellowship. Very informal, very nice. Usually.
As we began I opened with, “I’ve had a lot of anxiety lately due to what happened to me last Friday and what has happened to Victor.” He listened and I talked.
Last Friday my daughter was awarded her E-6 and her HM 1 classification in the Navy. I was very proud and she was excited and wanted me there. She invited me to attend. It was to be in the hospital at the Jax Navy Base. I wondered if there would be a problem with Navy security but she planned it out and I trusted it would be OK. Had Friday not been a 100% Security Check day there would have been no problem. However, I and my future son in law were directed to wait in the car by the side of the road while they did what security people do. Lots of phone calls, papers to sign and frowning.
I apologized to him for the delay and the embarrassment. He was level headed and told me not to worry. In about ten minutes the officer on duty walked up to the driver's side of the car looked passed him at me and loudly said, “Sir are you a sexual predator?” I thought of a couple of appropriate truthful answers but realized nothing would fly but, “Yes.” So, he got that. Ten more minutes of phone calls and paperwork and Navy vehicles doing official “look-sees” and Scott drove me off base and back to my car. Twenty minutes later she called me in tears and anger over the way I was treated and especially that her daddy was unable to see her “frocking.”
I must also share this. And, this I was a bit proud of. I was driving home feeling dejected and shamed when I realized I did not need to miss part two of the day. I had been invited to the frocking and a lunch with them. So, I confirmed with her our lunch schedule and in the mean time I went to see my old friend Nelson. I laid out my embarrassment and frustration to Nelson and his wife Georgette. That did a lot to give me courage to hold my head up and move on. The rest of the day went fine. However, anxiety had placed a dagger in my heart.
On Monday, Tom called me and told me Victor had been violated. As far as he knows it is because he, being a couple of months away from being set loose from supervision, was $300.00 in arrears to the State on his probation obligation. There has to be more to it than just the debt for him to be violated. I’ll find out more later. But, Tom feels that is correct. I called Eddie Rhoden who checked and said he thinks there are no new charges. Nevertheless, I found it very troubling. So many of my friends and acquaintances that did time with me have had a “violation of probation”. Victor is so methodical and such a stickler for doing the right thing that it bothered me that he fell again. Maybe, he’ll be let out soon like a few others I know of who were violated briefly and returned to the street.
After Tom and I talked about this he offered this story.
A sexual offender with a probation monitoring box on his ankle and a large receiver on his hip (very chunky and impossible to hide) was in a service at St. John’s Cathedral (Episcopal) and the Dean (the in-charge ordained lady) learned about his presence and then about his charge; and then she had a fit.
He had been introduced to St. John’s by one of the deacons who ministers at UCI. The worshipper with the monitoring device was ostracized by church leaders and the deacon was livid. He wins a soul to Christ and the Church stiff-arms him. So, now, the bishop, having heard of the conundrum, has proposed to fund a sex offender/felon church where the lepers can worship without offending the dean and others who would find it uncomfortable. I told Tom it may come across (as it did to me) as an insult. I can understand, somewhat, the hysteria fueled reaction to the man with the monitor but there must be some way to address, in the Church, this issue in a more Christ-like way.
So, I told Tom that this was some note. I came to him with two good reasons for anxiety and he gives me a third. Tom said part of the issue is the Canon (Episcopal position in the church) was ex-FBI and has researched sex offenders and says there is no getting better or change for them. In other words, they are permanent in their moral deviance. This is the word of a man who is invested in capturing and punishing. I told Fr. Tom that the opposite was true according to studies of therapists and professionals invested in recovery and restoration. Of all former prisoners sex offenders are (except for those convicted of murder) the least likely to be violated for a new charge or new offense. However, they are more likely than any other group to be violated on a technicality (curfew violation, inability to pass a polygraph, non-payment of required financial obligations, etc.). So, the stats can be easily skewed.
There are daily goads that keep me a bit paranoid: hearing a too-loud knock on my door, a police siren near-by, seeing a patrol car in my rear view mirror or sitting in some social setting knowing a slip of the tongue could easily result in one more embarrassment. Nevertheless, I must fight against this darkness. My methods are: I must continue to use rational, not emotional, thinking; fellowship with friends who understand or share in my situation; and I must regularly use the tools learned in therapy to keep my feet on the sunny side of the road. And, indeed, there is a sunny side of the road. The bad things tend to shout their presence while the good things in my life can go unnoticed unless I willfully maintain my gratitude for them.
Today I will say to good-bye to my precious wife. She and her daughter are going to vacation in Miami. Even though she have been married almost ten months, her child is still having trouble with her decision to marry me and we have yet to meet. It could be uncomfortable as I drop off at her daughter’s home. She may stay inside until I drive away. I imagine, and Joy is sure of it, that this will eventually be resolved in an appropriate manner. This is not one of the things I can change. So, I accept it for what it is and move on to doing the next best thing which will bring peace to me and my world. It has helped me to unload this letter and share it. Hope it is not too heavy to read. Peace and hope.
Gano Rinehart
Gano has published a book on Amazon - They are All LIfe Sentences
